My Progress

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Warning! Stereotypes ahead!

Here is just a random sampling of all the fine folks I share the road with and a special thank you to each and every one of them...

Suzy After School Mom.  You are one of the highlight's of my day.  I so love watching you and your progeny zoom buy in that SUV the size of a bus on your six block trip home from school.  It's so much fun to watch you wrangle handing out happy meals, swap DVD's, update your social status on your phone all while doing 40 mph through that 20 mph school zone.  It's an added treat to see you pulled over for by the police for 40 in a school zone AND an added mobile device in a school zone.  If you're the driver of the black Range Rover, you must learn slow.  Either there is a lot of black Range Rovers out there of your a three time offender, or maybe the police just REALLY like you.

The Diaper Mom.  My diet owes you a debt of gratitude.  It's so nice to see you zooming down the road, driving with a knee while twisted around changing the small pants on your child, and at 40 some odd miles per hour, talk about talent!  The really nice part was when you flung that loaded diaper out onto the road for all to enjoy.  You know, if the smell of what came out of your child's backside annoys you so much maybe you really should have thought it through before the whole, "Insert tab A in slot B" thing.  It was so nice seeing you in the Quicky Mart at the donut counter however.  See I had pulled in right behind you and was debating a donut and my stomach was winning over my will power.  But seeing you reach in with your BARE HANDS and finger half a dozen donuts before you selected your jelly filled, extra sprinkles fat pill, it kind of killed the whole hunger thing, after all was that extra chocolate on that donut, or was it something you smeared on with your poop covered hand?

Joe Bob, rolling on the coal, NASCAR dude.  Really, you are funny and always good for a laugh.  Given the current price of diesel I laugh every time I see you  roar by hammering the crap out of that gas pedal.  Guess you got to get home quick to watch that race on your TV.  Hey look, he's a going fast and turnin' left.  Yep, going fast and still turnin' left, well, will you look at that, they's a sure going fast and turnin' left..  You do know if any crashes happen or something interesting goes on the highlights will be played eleventy billion times between the 346 different ESPN's don't you?

Ricky Racer to fast for stop signs/lights cyclist dude.  You've got a special place in my heart.  Your the asshat out there giving every other cyclist a bad name and generally irritating the living snot out of every driver you come across.  While you do irritate me to no end, I do know that one day Karma and the laws of physics is going to catch up to you and your going to end up on the losing end of an argument with a 3000 pound vehicle doing 40+ mph.  My thanks to you is your stupidity is going to provide me one more place to take a leak, you see, I'll be the guy watering the flowers on your grave by peeing on them.

And to the other 99.98% of the drivers I see out there?  Truly THANK YOU!  Thank you for behaving and driving in a safe and sane manner.  Thank you for extending common courtesy and mutual respect to the other folks out there on the road.  Thank you for being a responsible driver and to be willing to share your road.  Y'all ROCK!

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